“Truther” Than Strange

The Location is the office of the Wine and Spirits Wholesalers of America.

Craig Wolf’s secretary: “Sir, you have an invitation here to go to a tea party.”

Mr. Wolf: “Idiots. Why would they think I’d go to a non alcoholic party?”

Secretary: “It might be a good idea to see what they are up to.”

Mr. Wolf: “Hmm.”

Later that week at a tea party hosted by Sarah Palin’s publisher to sell books.

Ms. Palin addressing the throng: “So, you see my friends. Bein’ a rogue isn’t like bein’ smart or anything—I doan get accused o’ that, you betcha. No, friends. Bein’ a rogue means goin’ out there every day and doin’ what you do, you know, the way liberals do it but only doin’ it more true to the things that we know we must do because when you do the things that you know you must do you can see things comin’ atchya before they come atchya. So, be a rogue like me an’ drink a lotta that tea, there, ‘cause it’s good for ya, doanchya know? Now line up an’ I’ll sign the books.”

Mr. Wolf finally gets to Ms. Palin. Holding out a book and a card: “Ms. Palin, I admire you greatly. Here’s my card. I have a proposition for you.”

Ms. Palin, dreaming of dollar signs: “Oh, WSWA. An organization close to my heart, you betchya.”

The next day.

Mr. Wolf: “Hello Ms. Palin. So glad I caught you. This is Craig Wolf.”

Ms. Palin: “Who?”

Mr. Wolf: Craig Wolf of WSWA. I gave you my card yesterday at the book signing.”

Ms. Palin: “Oh, yeah. I was goin’ to call ya in a few minutes, doanchya know?”

Mr. Wolf: “Ms. Palin, I represent an organization of family businesses that I know would respond well to you if you were to speak at our annual meeting. And this year, the meeting is being held in the Family Values capital of the country, Las Vegas. I’m sure I speak for all the families in my organization when I say that we want you to be our keynote speaker and talk about free enterprise. Besides, it would be great exposure for you and your book. All of these families are rogues, you know.”

Ms. Palin: “Oh, thank you Mr. Fox. But ya know, up there in Alaska we learn fast that exposure getsya frostbite. My fee is $100,000, Mr. Fox.”

Mr. Wolf: “It’s Wolf.”

Ms. Palin: “Huh?”

Mr. Wolf: “Wolf. My name is Wolf. You called me Mr. Fox. Anyway, that’s a little steep for my organization…”

Ms. Palin, cutting Mr. Wolf off in mid-sentence: “I’m very sorry, but I didn’t give up a governor’s gig so I could sleep in Greyhound Bus Stations across the country pluggin’ a book that I didn’t even write. That’s my fee Mr. Coyote.”

The time is April 2010. The place is Las Vegas. The meeting is for the Wine and Spirits Wholesalers of America. The keynote speaker is Ms. Palin.

Mr. Wolf: “Well, thank you all for the warm welcome and for joining us this year in fun-filled Las Vegas. As promised, I now have the pleasure of introducing our keynote speaker.  Here she is, ex Vice Presidential candidate, ex-governor of Alaska, ex mother-in-law, and extra hot Ms. Sarah Palin. Let’s hear it for her, folks.”

As the applause dies down Ms. Palin steps up to the mic and looks over at Mr. Wolf: “Thank you so much for that accurate introduction Mr. Jackal…”

Mr. Wolf cuts her off in mid-sentence: “The name is Craig Wolf, Ms. Palin.”

While the crowd roars, you can hear Ms. Palin ask Mr. Wolf: “Is it ok if I call you Craig?”

Ms. Palin speaks: “Well, I haveta tellya that I’m so pleased to be here tonight to talk about free enterprise, because no where on this earth is there a place like America for free enterprise. It’s tough now, but when we get Barak Osama out of office in 2012, we’ll also get the government off our backs. An’ I doan think we should stop at the federal level—I unnerstan’ that the families here do business in all the states. What we’ll need ta-do, as I know you agree, is get the states outta your business, too (she winks).

Oh, I did some checkin’ around before I came here. I know that you are regulated under sumthin’ called the Three Tear System. Whassup with that, anyway? Maybe the frustration of workin’ with the bureaucrats causes tears, but that’s no reason for the state to rub it in an’ name the system after it (she winks).

Anyways, I checked an’ I know all about your vendors, the wineries, wantin’ to direct ship across the country. I mean, whassup with ships? Which waterway would they use to go from California to the Evil East Coast? What’s wrong with flying? Oh, I know, but planes are safe, really. I fly allatime an’ I have never met one terrorist on a plane. Not one, doanchya know, and with the miles that I rack up doin’ this book tour an’ all.

Now this tea party of yours tonight shows how much free enterprise can do for business. I mean, I saw the bills racked up for you guys at this hotel, and the money you people have already lost at the tables is big time. It’s more than I’m makin’ in a week right now, but my fleece machine is workin’ hard an’ the tea party crowd will pay up if they want me to run again for office—any office. You betchya.

So, bein’ a free enterprise country means making money. An’ no government should prevent you from doin’ that. In fact, I’ll pledge to you right here tonight that if you families can come together with about a million cool ones, I’ll take the fight to federal and local governments. We’ll dismantle this cryin’ shame known as the Three Tear System.

Whaddaya say to that? No more tears.”

As Ms. Palin leaves the stage amidst a resoundingly quiet house, she runs into a man she does not know. “Can you tell me where Craig is?”

The man: “Oh I’m sorry. Mr. Wolf is no longer with us.”

Ms. Palin: “Aw. I didn’t even know he was sick. Who do I see about that certified check?”

The man: “I’m Joe Bison and I’m Mr. Wolf’s replacement. I’ll take care of the check for you.”

Ms. Palin: “Oh boy. Do you mind if I call you Joe?”

Mr. Bison: “Sure. It’s only for a few minutes anyway.”

Ms Palin: “Huh? Well, listen, can you get me that check right away. I’ve got another gig tonight speakin’ at the annual gathering of Mothers Against Drunk Driving.”

If you are reading this entry anywhere other than on the vinofictions blog, be aware that it has been lifted without my permission (and without recompense), and that’s a copyright infringement, no matter that the copyright information appears with it.

Copyright Thomas Pellechia
January 2010. All rights reserved.

14 Responses to ““Truther” Than Strange”

  1. Mitch says:

    Tina ! err, Thomas, I din’t relize youz a stand up comeeeedian like that Fey impersonator !

  2. Thomas says:

    Mitch,

    Of course, the only truth in this entry is that Palin is scheduled to speak at the WSWA convention in April, for $100K!

  3. Mitch says:

    Thomas,

    And you had us thinking that you were possibly running out of novel material. I fell for it. Your Palin-esque dialectical escapade is truly inspired. Encore.

  4. Mitch says:

    “Palin reportedly charges a $100,000 speaking fee. … No word on whether direct-shipping proponents will book Champagne bottle-signing prankster and impeccable Palin impersonator Tina Fey for their annual direct-shipping symposium.”

    http://www.winespectator.com/webfeature/show/id/41572

    I heard it here first !

  5. Thomas says:

    Mitch,

    I’ve been considering a new focus or way of doing things at vinofictions. Maybe comic novellas would do the trick.

  6. Arthur says:

    Thomas,

    Have you hear of the HoseMaster of Wine?

  7. Thomas says:

    Yes, Arthur, I know of Ron. Aren’t I funnier 😉

  8. Arthur says:

    Humor is so subjective.
    Ron does have pictures of nekid wiminz…

  9. Thomas says:

    No, no. Humor is objective. You just have to be trained to understand it, although it seems that every man understands naked women; well, most men; well, some men; well, it depends on the neighborhood in which you find men…

  10. Mitch says:

    Thomas,
    Please, not matter what you do, avoid a comic pissing contest with someone named HoseMaster.

  11. Thomas says:

    Mitch,

    Yes, dear. 😉

  12. Arthur says:

    Hmmm….
    Humor training.
    I think you have a point.
    After all there is likely to be a parallel between the commercial success of a particular type of wines and the fact that someone like Jay Leno had better ratings that Letterman and is now getting the 11:35 spot…….